My Internal Battle Between My Religion and My Blackness

Greg Middleton
6 min readJul 10, 2020

I attempt to follow Christ in every sense of the word. However, when I look back at what happened to my people over many hundreds of years it feels as though a volcano erupts from the depths of my belly seeping ever deeper towards the outer edges of my soul. It is truly hard for me to reconcile this internal battle that baffles me.

How could a loving God allow something so horrific and so ungodly to happen to His creations that lasted for so long without His direct intervention? To answer that question I needed to only refer to the Israelites who themselves suffered at the hands of unscrupulous people over centuries. It eventually consummated in the death of Christ, the very one that I now worship and call my Lord and Savior. How can I reconcile suffering with the endless love of God? Could suffering be a part of the cost of our salvation? Is there no other way to enter through that narrow gate into the kingdom of God? I have so many questions regarding this paradox and yet too few answers that give rest to my soul.

It was not just the plight of my people, the millions of Africans who were pillaged, brutalized, and enslaved by ruthless and evil human beings that claimed to be godly people. Those same people slaughtered the native indigenous inhabitants who were living here peacefully long before they claim to have discovered their land. Unfortunately, the recorded history of our nation with its noble portrayal of how it was established was all lies. They attempted to paint a rosy picture to cover their sins against the God they claimed to represent.

What are we to make of this bamboozlement of history? Our ruthless founders sold their lies to the world. They claim that this was God’s country, the land of the brave and the free, while at the same time enslaving human beings and killing off natural inhabitants just to steal their native lands? How could such outright lies be accepted and validated as truth without question? There was no shining city upon a hill here! What is noble about this nation they claim to be under God’s care?

Though I am no intellectual or historian who knows all the facts, my body itself is also a monument of the history of hundreds of years of America. The blood that runs through my veins has been violently corrupted by rapists and thieves that violated the body, mind, and souls of my ancestors. When they violated my people the spirit of God was there watching every step.

Fortunately, every act will be held accountable to the appointed Judge. Don’t people realize that thou shall not do such things that are offensive to Almighty God? Did the perpetrators not realize that God is actually real and saw all their evil deeds? Maybe the real enemy bamboozle them into thinking they could do anything they wanted and there would be no consequences? Surely they were not that naive? Ignorance is no defense for going against God! Knowing Him I will no longer carry my anger and allow it to corrupt my heart. It was God who was offended and even violated so I will not allow my anger to pull me down into that evil Venus flytrap.

The Spirit of the Lord has fought and won my internal battle for me but my flesh and mind want to hold on to what should be solely God’s business. God says, “Vengeance belongs to the Lord alone.” He has already lifted me up above the storm winds yet I am being sucked back down by the anger that burns in my belly. No! I am not immune to the tentacles of evil. Yes! It will consume me should I not part ways from its draw. My internal battle is no longer against flesh and blood, but it is against principalities, powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, and against the dark spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm. I do not have the power to war against such mighty spiritual powers and win.

Therefore I must, at all costs, place my trust and faith in Almighty God and allow Him to wage this spiritual battle for me. I must stand firm with my complete armor of God solidly covering my mind, body, soul, and spirit, otherwise, the very same enemy that caused my anger in the first place will devour me. Hell has plenty of room remaining for those who want to step in front of Almighty God. Therefore, let go and let GOD! Stay out of God’s lane!

I try to reason with my feelings and apply logic and reasoning but that doesn’t seem to extinguish all the hot embers remaining in me. Oh silly me! Why would I assume that human logic and reasoning could possibly penetrate into the spiritual realm? God is not logical and He doesn’t appeal to the human mind because by nature it is hostile to God. Mankind leans on the flesh and what it desires but our God will have no part of that. For what am I to do… castrate the mind? That wouldn’t work! We are told to be in control over the mind but how can that be, the mind thinks it is me. And still… the internal battle continues onward.

It was the genius of the Almighty who made such complicated creatures and hidden in them powers that most will never uncover. If they had the faith of a tiny mustard seed they could move mountains, so said the Lord? So much potential lies in waste incarcerated by a carnal mind that refuse to submit to the Spirit that is by far much, much greater than the mind will ever know. So… which wolf are we to feed? If we feed the weaker mind it will grow to be the most dominant of the two? If we feed the spirit in you, the mind becomes less and the Spirit of God becomes more. In doing so we make the choice to give up our worldly gains for heavenly prosperity. One cannot serve two masters… can they? And the battle continues onward…

The Psalmist says:

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Psalm 139: 1–6

Why does that sound like God knows more about me than I know about myself? How can that be? Does that mean this internal battle I am experiencing is battling with the very one that holds all my puppet strings? If that is true then there is no way I can win against such a powerful force. What are my options?

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13–16

That is how the Psalmist dealt with the situation. He realized the greatness and the glory of God so surrendering to God was like joining forces with the Creator of all things on the earth and in the heavens above. Logically that makes a lot of sense but God does not deal with logic and reasoning. He wants your full commitment or not at all. You cannot lie in bed with Him and His adversary so this battle comes down to a simple choice, for or against God, nothing else is relevant.

You would think that would be the end of the internal battle so why does my mind want to keep the fight going? I guess that uncovers who the real culprit is. The carnal mind wants to own me because it thinks it is I, but it will be in the light only for a short while but the soul and spirit are eternal. Perhaps with time, this battle will subside? Is that even possible?

I pray my Dear Lord that the eyes of my understanding be made humble to all there is about You so I can fully surrender and submit to You. Thy will be done in me as it is in the heavens… Selah!



Greg Middleton

Greg is a prolific writer of books, essays, blogs, and videos where he shares his opinions on life. Visit Straight Talk with Greg on YouTube.